CHAPTER 4- CHRIS HAS HIS DAY
Some people believe that every dog has it's day, and this story proves it. Chris woke up one morning and felt sick. He had nightmares all night long. He had dreampt that he was still living with his parent when he was 30 years old, fat and a bagging machine had replaced his job. He felt compelled to make a difference in his life.
Chris set out that day rying to figure out his dreams. As he was walking out of the store he saw the woman of his dreams. He mustered up the courage to ask her out. She said yes. Chris was so happy. He bragged to everyone about his new gorgeous girlfriend. They went on lots of dates, their relationship was moving so fast. Heloved to kiss her full lips and gaze into her big blue eyes. He was making plans to get a better job and do better in school. One night as they were smooching and snuggling, she turned to him and asked "will you go on JerrySspringer with me? I have a secret to tell you." Chris agreed to go. He was up all night thinking what her secret could be. He resolved he didnt care. He figured ie would be something like she wasnt a virgin, or he thought she was dating someone else too.
he woke up early the next morning and called Matt. They went to the jewelry store and chris began to look for rings. He didn't have much money, but he figured if there was another guy involved he could win her affections with a beautiful ring. he walked up to the jeweler and said "I want to see what kinda diamond ring i can get with this $80." The jeweler laughed and laughed. Then he pulled out a scrawny ring with a diamond chip.
Chris was distraught. he would never win her love with that pitiful gem. Just then Matt had an idea (that can never.. be good). He went to over to another counter and picked up a $10 ring. It had a huge diamond in it. It was fake. It was so fake it made cubic zirconia look expensive. Matt told Chris "this will work for the show, you can buy a real one for her later." that perked up Chris's spirits. He went and bought new clothes, from the salvation army and even planned ways to do his hair.
He saw his woman that night and asked her "do you love me?" His heart was beating so hard it was hurting his chest. She looked at him lovingly and said "with all of my heart." he was so happy. he was started thinking "what if her secret is that she is pregnantm, but wait we didnt do it, or maybe she wants to get married.. yah thats it." he imagined pulling the ring out as he got on one knee and she got so horny in his imagination.
The next day, as he and Matt were torturing a screw they had captured chris said "hehe I m gonna score." He had bragged to all of his friends at work and told them to watch the show.
He arrived at the show the next day. They placed him in a sound proof room. He waited his turn and saw his love, Sarah (at this point in the story it makes no sense to give her a name but what the hell lets do it) staring at him. She looked so beautiful. She had her hair all pulled up and a short dress on. All of a sudden he thought "what if she is a stripper? cool, she can make me some money!" He walked over to her and got on one knee and said "Will you marry me?" She said "shouldn't you hear my secret first?" He said "I dont care what your secret is.. i love you!" He knew he was gonna get lucky. The chicks dig that mushy stuff. SHe cried out "Yes !! YES!" Oh he thought he was on top of the world.
Then she turned to him and said "i have to tell you that I am a pre-operative transsexual." Chris was thinking "this is what the fuss is about.. her religion.. pfft" He answered "I don't care!" She grabbed him and kissed him. He was so excited. He was gonna get some.
Jerry started to ask the audience questions. the first guy said "are you gay?" chris looked at him like he was stupid and said NO. The next lady said "how can you love her in this situation?" chris answered "love conquers all". he was sure Sarah was loving his answers. He was gonna get some. Then Jerry was allowing Matt to ask a question. Matt looked at Chris and said "do you know that she is a man?"
Chris yelled at him "you cant talk to my woman that way. I ll kick your ass!" he was puzzled when the whole audience laughed at him. Jerry said to him "but she is a man!" Chris refused to believe him. he turned to sarah and said "what are they talking about?" Sarah said they were telling the truth. He sat there with him mouth hanging open thinking "i look like a fool!" All of a sudden his brain flooded with his memorys of their romantic times, the kisses, the snuggling and other stuff. He turned red knowing all of his friends, family and coworkers were watching.
He was so angry, he punched.. him or her or what ever it was. He grabbed Sarah by the hair and her wig came off. Chris started screaming. He realized what a big man/woman sarah was when she began to whoop him. Matt tried to help him but bouncers stopped him. then Chris said "but you have boobs!" Sarah replied "i have a good plastic surgeon and you are gonna need one after this!" and punched him in the nose. Then chris remembered.. she is a man and kicked him full force in the nuts. Chris walked off the stage and went home to face the music.
CHAPTER 5- THE MILK
The two boys had this aunt. Her name was Donna. She knew in her heart that the little beasts were no good, but she always hoped for the best. She was the one who told Matt and Chris to go out into the field where hey had met up with the police officer and chris met his temporary fitting end. She would send them out to the field with sandwiches for the poor homeless things out there, not knowing they were torturing the souls she was sending them to help
One day they went to her house after school, and ate some cookies she had freshly baked. They ate cookie after cookie, drank milk and more milk. After like two minutes it was all gone. Matt's little sister Kelly started to cry. She wanted more. Donna knew her husband David would be home soon. She asked the boys to go to the store and buy more milk so she could bake more cookies. She gave them $20 to buy three gallons of milk.
They went to the little store down the road from Donna's house. They even got to drive her car. They bought the milk, and started to drive back. They began to fight, smacking, punching, biting, and kissing. They broke open one container of milk. They knew David would kill them for for sure. They had a few bucks left over so they took off towards the car wash.
Matt had an idea (never, ever, a good thing, ever). He wanted to take the back way. They dirt road that was the bumpiest road in all of snidersville. Matt thought that the time saved could be used for cleaning up the milk. No, that's a lie. He wanted to watch chicks (or so he wants us to think) bend over and wash their cars.
He got so pre-occupied thinking about chicks bending over in daisy dukes that he lost control of the car and went off the road, into a swamp. The car began to sink. He threw the car in reverse, and Chris got out and pushed. Mud was everywhere. Chris had mud up to his knees. He kept pushing, and thinking of ways to kill Matt. The car started to move backwards, and he fell face first into the slimy muddy, water.
The windshield was covered with mud. Matt couldn't see anything. They tried to use the windshield wipers, but the mud just smeared. The windshield fluid was empty. So Chris got an idea (scary, I know). He convinced Matt to use a bottle of milk to fill up the fluid tank. They washed down the windshield with milk. It worked, their vision wasnt clear, but they could sorta see.
Chris grabbed Matt out of the drivers seat and said "oh no way, you got us into this! You should be lucky I dont run over your head." Chris was psycho mad. He was ranting and raving all the way to the car wash. Every time he hit a small animal, Chris cursed Matt even more. He began to drive faster and faster, controlled by his anger. He slid off the road and hit a tree. Matt's head flew thru the windshield. He was dead, or something. Chris was so mad he didn't care.
Chris got out of the car, mud soaked, and mad. He grabbed the last gallon of milk and walked back towards Donnas house. He could hear Matt screaming in the distance, but he refused to turn back. He had to get the milk home.
CHAPTER 6- MINDY'S REVENGE
Matt and Chris had a court date for running an old woman off the road, and trying to race a nice police officer. They knew they had to appear reformed for the judge. They had a prior record. Their lawyer told them to keep jobs, go to church, and do well in school. They had been on their best behavior for three months. Their lawyer insisted that they cut their hair and dress in suits for court.
Matt knew that the only person who could reason with his hair was his cousin Kerry. Kerry agreed to do Matt's hair, and the wicked evil Mindy agreed to do Chris's hair. Matt had been very mean to Mindy in his youth. He used to rip clumps of hair out of her head daily. She realized this was the perfect oportunity to get him back.
The next morning, Kerry and Mindy showed up at Chris's house. They boy's had their new suits hanging neatly, and shoes all shined. Kerry was proud of them. hey had finally begun to care about their futures. Matt was standing in his boxer shorts, and chris in his undies, and they began grooming. Matt shaved off his scraggle. He was starting to look good.
Matt and chris sat down at the kitchen table, and the fight to control Matt's hair began. Kerry used gel when his hair was wet and hairspray when it was dry. Mindy had begun to blow dry Chris's hair. Kerry went into the other room for a moment.
Mindy realized this was her chance, and she pulled a lighter out of her pocket. She grabbed the hairspray. She lit the lighter in front of the hairspray can and pushed down the top. The hairspray torch worked better than she had planned. She not only ignited Matt's hair, she also set afire Chris's hair, his underwear, and the dog, sugar.
The house was filling with sound. There were the screams from Matt and Chris, and the dogs yelping, but mostly the sound of mindy's evil laugh. She sat back as Matt and Chris scrambled around to put out the fire. She had some compassion though and poured water on sugar before she got hurt.
Chris managed to put his flames out, and he ran off townards his bedroom clutching the tatters of his burnt underwear. He was mad screaming at Mindy "these are my only pair!" he was mumbling as he went up the stairs "damn it, I will have to start wearing mom's again, and I just bought these last year. I cant even have a beloved pair of underwear!" He had tears running down his cheeks as he put his beloved underwear in the trash. Then he quickly snatched them out and said "they must be buried like everything else I have loved."
Matt and Kerry were downstairs. Matt was running around screaming. The fire was hard to put out, because of the gel and hairspray. Kerry grabbed the phone and started to smack at the fire, trying to smother it. Unfortunitely, the phone was plastic and began to melt. The clumps of plastic were burning matts scalp worse than the fire. So Kerry grabbed a tub of cool whip and smashed it down on his head. It began to melt on his burnt head. he was enjoying the cool sensation of the cool whip on his scalp. It was actually soothing his burns.
Kerry did her best to make the boys look decent, but it was no use. Their hair wasnt salvagable. They had to go to court bald, and Matts scalp was red and some of it was peeling off ( the strange thing was , it looked better than his hair). They judge thought they were skin heads and sentanced them to the maximum, 30 days in jail.
As the bailiff was leading them off, Chris was thinking "I am so dead when the inmates see my pink, lacy, frilly, undies. But they are so silky smooth against my skin" And Matt was thinking, "I wonder if that guard over there likes me as much as I like him?" He made love eyes at the guard and was severely beaten.
Written by Michael Gyan Darling